Thursday, September 05, 2002

..::trying to learn i-frames...isn't going as well as planned =] but I'll stick it out::..

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

My "best friend" Clairese and I got into a huge fight. Again. We were walking along and have a perfectly great time, and then I remembered that I was supposed to go somewhere with my dad - to go pick up my glasses. So when we came to my street corner where I'd turn to get to my house, I turned and everyone else [Patty, Chris and Clairese] kept walking. They got half-way across the street and then noticed that I was walking back home. So I told them that I had to go with my dad to get my glasses. Apparantly, Clairese was telling her story about how earlier that day she was fakely/jokingly asked to homecoming by this guy named Tim. She then accused me of being jealous because she got asked to homecoming and I didn't. I got pissed and told her that I wasn't at all and that if she'd been listening earlier when I'd said that I had to go pick up my glasses, she wouldn't have read me wrongly. Chris and Patty backed me up by comfirming that I did, in fact, say that I had to leave soon. She smiled and, returing her smile, I figured that we were at peace once again. Ha. She turned and walked right up to my house, I thought, to ask my mom if I was really going somewhere. But instead she just went in and got her book bag. I then continued right into the house until I got to my room and shut my self off from the rest of the world. The worst part is yet to come. I sat in my room, numb to all feelings, just sitting on my bed, still shaken from what had happened, and because my bedroom window was open, I could actually hear her talking about me. I got up off of my bed, and literally ran to the back door. I think once I got there and stared at Clairese through the screen of the door, I said something like "You know I can hear what you're saying, right?" I honestly can't remember clearly what was said between us after that because when I'm so worked up, I have absolutely no feeling of anything, just hurt and rage. And I just kinda go with those emotions. Yeah, so the daggers we threw back and forth were along the lines of something that had to do with her being glad we weren't in the same lunch hour because all we ever do is fight. Then I think I told her that I wasn't jealous of her, being sure to add in "no offence," because yes, we were fighting, but *some people* take "I am not jealous of you" the wrong way. She then replied with "I never said that you were jealous!" Just for the record, I could be wrong with what I heard; her saying that I was jealous in the very beginning of this whole thing could just be my emotional numbness that made me hear what was never said. I don't know. Anyway, what really got me was the fact that she brought one of my best friends [Erica] into it. Clairese said something like this whole fighting thing had been going on since fifth grade when Erica and I started hanging out a lot and making fun of her. She had no right to say that. Scar me all you want, but leave everyone else out of this. Hm...now that I actually think of it, that's info's not really valid; Erica and I started hanging out ever since first grade, and we've always been best friends. I swear, I don't have the energy for all of this...

Am I a shitty friend? Anyone? I just don't know what to do. I've been really fucking passive with stuff like this for too long. She's always the one who got pissed first, and has always had the last word. The thing that I hate the most in the whole world in making people mad at me. And she always seems to get mad.

I've decided to keep the fuck out of everyone's way. I'll just go to school, keeping to myself the whole day, therefore no one can get mad at me. But, of course, that means no birthday parties [my birthday baseball game worth $250 will be a problem then...maybe I can get a refund on the tickets], no lunch outings, no human interaction except for my family, and what I'm gonna miss the most: no dances. Life is gonna suck, but I'll manage. At least I won't make anyone angry.

Sorry guys, I know I should just get over it. But it helps to write [type] it all down.

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

I got it to work correctly. Yay. You guys like my jpeg at the top? I do ^_^ One of Jennifer's PSP tutorials taught me how to optimze my jpegs so they're not all runny and shit. Mine always use to do that before I discovered - - -shwing!- - - Jen's awesome tutorial! [Can you tell I'm tryna get you to check her site out? lol good. That's the whole point.] No, seriously. Check her domain out. I could spend hours just randomly clicking on her site and I'd never get bored. Okay, okay. I've advertised her site enough. So...today's my sister Katie's 19th birthday, so give her kisses and I'll show them to her. Thanks for sending one yesterday, Chelle. She loved it =] And, today's the 3rd, meaning it's exactly one week until my 15th b-day *hint hint* so tag me, email me or find some creative way to make me feel loved. I'm joking, guys. You don't have to, but I'd feel a lot better if you did [sniffle sniffle] ^_^

I got found out I cut from Jazz Choir today. I've been trying to convince myself that either I sucked at the audition or the teacher's talent-deaf. Maybe both. Maybe not. But that's the whole point I didn't try out for the fall play in the first place. It's gonna be this really cute comedy/murder mystery called It Was a Dark and Stormy Night. I wanted to audition for that, but I figured since I already auditioned for the Jazz Choir and the Women's Ensemble this year, that I might have a chance to get in, therefore taking up most of my after-school time. I got into W.E., but, hell, I honestly didn't care whether or not I got into that one, I just wanted to be in the Jazz Choir. I was in W.E. last year when I was a freshman, and we didn't do anything except for sing at the winter and spring concerts, but the Jazz Choir [which I wasn't in last year] got to go caroling in a mall and other good shit. Sorry, just thought I'd let off some steam =P

I've recently been getting into "The Phantom of the Opera," partially because that's what I saw on Broadway [6 rows from the stage!] a few weeks ago in New York. I better go, guys; don't want to bore you all to death ^_^

Enjoy the new layout!
Guys, I got the new layout up, but my computer sucks and won't keep any more of my revisions. What a bitch.